Perfectly Nice Bullies
My roseate outlook has not always served me well
I really enjoy working. I’ve always felt fortunate to mostly have jobs I love. Especially leadership roles — product leadership, organisational leadership or as an academic teacher. For many years I denied that I was ever the subject of bullying in the workplace. It just never happened to me. My colleagues were always nice and very supportive. I was fortunate to work with so many feminist humans who made space for my strong opinions and empathetic yet bold leadership style. Oh how lucky I have always been.
What a load of toadstools. There have certainly been some paper cuts. Little things that caused a momentary “ouch!” but no seemingly long term damage. Things that I have willingly overlooked for one reason, or ten. It’s time for hindsight to rid me of my rose-coloured glasses. Why? Because I now have the luxury to reflect, with everything to gain and a little less to lose.
But let me clarify one thing. You can be perfectly nice and still say or do something that is flippant or tactless and makes the recipient feel intimidated or coerced. So I hope this will also help you to see the signs.
“Maybe you shouldn’t be so ambitious. You are impatient.”
Every heard these words used in reference to your own career progress? If you have, how did you react? I reacted with silence. Yup, me. I know. Hard to believe, right? Sometimes even I am at a loss for words. I won’t even ask what is wrong with that statement. You already know.
So what will I do the next time this happens? I’ll simply ask, “Are you ambitious? Or did you get here by identifying strongly with sloths?” Okay, maybe just to be safe I’d better add, “With all due respect” to the start of that.
“Everything must go through me first before you share with anyone else”
Yeh whatever. That’s what I should have said. Instead I said, “Yes of course, I totally understand. I value your feedback.” What a pushover. I wasn’t being protected, I was being silenced.
“And here comes the real beauty contestant of the show”
This was my introduction at a gathering of senior leaders as I was about to take the stage. The only woman and the only person of colour on stage that day. The human introduced right before me (of German heritage and holding a doctorate degree) got an appropriate, “And here comes Herr Dr. so-and-so”. “I too, have a doctorate; in engineering no less!” I wanted to scream. But what I got was a comment on my appearance. Thankfully I took the mic and responded, “Thanks, but I’m not just a pretty face.” At least I didn’t bite my tongue that time. And my thanks to the many, many humans who came to my defence after.
“Do you work out? You have nice legs”
Yikes. Wow. Yeah that happened. And can you believe what I said? “Yeh…umm I go to dance school”. Insert face slap. Thinking about this still makes me cringe. But how should I have reacted? It’s easy to say, I should have pointed out their inappropriate comment or reported it to HR. When you are an undergraduate in your first ever job, you pretty much just feel your face on fire, avert your gaze and avoid all future contact with said human.
“You need to be a tiger mum”
As a women of asian decent and a mum in a senior leadership role, why was there an expectation that I had to be the mother hen of the group? The hand-holder. The scolder. The strict, difficult to please parent who instills fear and expects unfailing obedience and discipline. Is this the only version of a leader that I must inspire? Must I willingly embrace this awful and misrepresented stereotype? I think not. But when my actions do not neatly fit into the expectations that come with my appearance, I am called back in line. Given a scathing performance review.
Woe-is-me, right? Sure, woe-is-me. I have plenty of privilege of my own. So next time I’ll bite back like a tiger knowing my streak will protect me.
“You must be here for data entry”
Firstly, what’s wrong with data entry? I’m pretty good at data entry. It’s a decent job and I find it quite therapeutic. It also takes a lot of attention to detail, concentration and mind-numbing endurance. So hat tip to all those who do data entry as a career.
But I was not in that particular client meeting as the token woman data entry specialist. So my response — “That’s Dr. Data Entry to you, thanks.” Mic drop. That got me an apology and a hand shake. Not what I was after really. Just a promise that said human would never underestimate a woman in a board room (or the power of data entry) ever again.
“Let’s get one thing straight, I don’t f#!king have to do anything”
Whoa whoa whoa. Back off buddy. Okay, context. I was trying to mend a broken relationship. Broken due to lack of trust, different ways of working and too much emotional investment in the business. In leadership teams where so much is at stake, passions are often high. There’s a lot invested both financially and emotionally. Heated debates are normal and healthy, as long as there is respect.
I said I was willing to do whatever it took to rebuild the relationship, but the human on the other side had to meet me half way. Response: see above.
Was it a passionate response — yes. Was it respectful? I’ll let you be the judge of that.
The last but certainly not the least…
And then there was that one incident where a married fellow-student at a very prestigious executive education course violated my personal space and began to run one hand up my leg and the other down my back. Yuck. I was shaking for days.
So what’s all this about then? Why am I drawing on these isolated incidents in an otherwise pretty satisfying career so far? Because acceptance maintains the status quo. It does not allow us to evolve. My quiet acceptance of many of the incidents above meant that they remain within the realms of allowable, defensible behaviour. It lets intent guide the need to change, not impact. I never intended any harm so I didn’t do anything wrong. The impact is negated because the intent was untainted.
But that is merely self-serving. So let this be a guide to change.
From one human to another, thanks for reading. It’s been emotional.
